I never did get to scream
Nov. 20th, 2003 09:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kudzuvinesAnd everything came down to this moment, where I sit at my computer typing and typing, as Nia says, a letter that I was too afraid to send. And maybe it is a letter to myself that I hope someone else will read, but I could never show it to anyone in words less vague than this.
To be direct for a short while, at least: today S. came to my room again. I dealt with the situation, finally, for those of you who follow my journal but haven't talked to me since Saturday. We agreed that neither of us wanted romance, but we enjoyed talking to each other. Maybe I was lying. I don't know. I just got a sudden sense of doom when the door opened definitively and he was there, unshaven and hair askew. Like he'd been upset, and come to see me, and I thought to myself, "no, no, I shouldn't have said anything. I should have pretended I wasn't here." And so I talked with him, and I was going to excuse myself, but he did first. I wish he wouldn't come here. I hate feeling awkward, wanting nothing more than just to be alone in my room. If I have a moment alone, I like to take it, thank you very much. The only reason I ever tell people to come in is I don't want to turn away someone who has something important they need or want. But idle conversation bothers me when I'm hiding. My roommate isn't here much in the evenings and I like to hide in my room then. When she comes back, I often leave. But I've gotten used to having my alone time in the evenings.
And I wonder if things will ever be all right... I'm so carried by my emotions, and I feel them so strongly, and the smallest things can upset me for days, and the smallest things can ease me back to generally feeling good. So much depends on it. I just wish everything were easier.
I have my headphones on and I can still hear her high-pitched voice babbling in Korean. I can't stand this.
I've found a deep liking for nocturnes. They wander so beautifully, and they're melancholy and strange and not quite of this world. Mysterious. I want to lose myself in them, and it's all I've been listening to recently.
We lead such small lives, and yet everything is so important in them. Every detail is important... but only to oneself. No one else really cares.
To be direct for a short while, at least: today S. came to my room again. I dealt with the situation, finally, for those of you who follow my journal but haven't talked to me since Saturday. We agreed that neither of us wanted romance, but we enjoyed talking to each other. Maybe I was lying. I don't know. I just got a sudden sense of doom when the door opened definitively and he was there, unshaven and hair askew. Like he'd been upset, and come to see me, and I thought to myself, "no, no, I shouldn't have said anything. I should have pretended I wasn't here." And so I talked with him, and I was going to excuse myself, but he did first. I wish he wouldn't come here. I hate feeling awkward, wanting nothing more than just to be alone in my room. If I have a moment alone, I like to take it, thank you very much. The only reason I ever tell people to come in is I don't want to turn away someone who has something important they need or want. But idle conversation bothers me when I'm hiding. My roommate isn't here much in the evenings and I like to hide in my room then. When she comes back, I often leave. But I've gotten used to having my alone time in the evenings.
And I wonder if things will ever be all right... I'm so carried by my emotions, and I feel them so strongly, and the smallest things can upset me for days, and the smallest things can ease me back to generally feeling good. So much depends on it. I just wish everything were easier.
I have my headphones on and I can still hear her high-pitched voice babbling in Korean. I can't stand this.
I've found a deep liking for nocturnes. They wander so beautifully, and they're melancholy and strange and not quite of this world. Mysterious. I want to lose myself in them, and it's all I've been listening to recently.
We lead such small lives, and yet everything is so important in them. Every detail is important... but only to oneself. No one else really cares.
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-21 08:26 am (UTC)Anyway. I don't know all of what's going on, but I do have some... advice is the wrong word. Things to say. Here they are.
1) I used to be much like you in the sense of being... so very easily affected by my enviorns. Little things would get to me for a long, long time. That's when and why I was so terribly depressed when I was in my pre-teens. I learned to deal with it, and have, over the years, become a sort of neo-neo-stoic. I try to stay at my baseline. I don't let things "get to me" in the same way. That's not to say I deny my emotions, I just handle them and move on. I'm not sure if I like who I have become, in that sense. For instance, here, at school, where I am rather alone and must be self-reliant, even to the extent of friends, I've drawn into myself a lot. I'm not as open, as playful, as... childish, in the good sense, as I used to be. A lot of magic has gone from my life. I am still sensitive to my enviornment in that respect; it determines whether I will be open or closed to things at a given moment. I don't know what to do about it, but I don't particularly like it.
I'm just offering that... learning to be like that is something of an option, though it may not be any better at the other extreme than it is now.
2) Why don't you tell people that you like being alone when you have the chance? That way, when they say, "can I come over?", you can tell them that you're enjoying alone-time, and they'll understand. I try to do this with the folks I know. I make it clear that I don't play with soceity's version of polite, that I'm more than happy to do things/help people/ whatever so long as I'm in a good mood, able to, have the time, etc., but if I don't feel like dealing with their shit (and they're not in my close circle of friends) that I will give them a flat, unexcused "no", simple because I'm living my life, not helping them with theirs. There are many times when these things overlap, but not always, and those times when they don't will garner no excuses from me. Make it clear to people that you live life on your own terms;
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
~William Henley
That sort of thing may come off as selfish or arrogant, and perhaps it is in some ways, but I don't think that I'm a selfish person. I'll admit I'm a tad arrogant about some things, and very arrogant about a few things. This is just part of my philosophy; people may apply whatever values to it they wish, though I do not apply moral concepts to how I beleive is the best way to live my life. It is how I live, and my morals derive from that, not vice versa.
~Dancing[likea chee keymon key!]
no subject
Date: 2003-11-21 02:53 pm (UTC)I know how you feel. This whole wow i'm free and in college thing wasn't exactly what i had envisioned in my head. Honestly, though it sound naieve, i thought the whole deal was going to be made in the shade with pink lemonade. it wasn't though, it's been really rough and i'm so glad it's almost thanksgiving and i wish i was going to be in atlanta so i could come see you. I don't know any advice really, because i'm trying to figure it all out myself. Damn the man! ok, i'll talk to you soon hopefully.