When your eyes catch across the room

[kudzuvines]

I'm beginning to feel like a horrible person. I don't know what to do about Steve. I feel like I'm leading him on, even though I've TOLD him what's up with Adam. He still asked me to go to dinner with him tomorrow night and I agreed and... God, I just feel bad about the whole situation. I can tell he likes me, he's looking for more than a fuckbuddy or whatever other coarse term we can use there, and I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. And how is it okay to do that to someone? It's like I'm leading him on without leading him on. I've told him what the stipulations are, and yet I still feel like he doesn't understand. He isn't going to "pry me away" from Adam or anything. And I just don't know what to do about this, and the date is making me kinda nervous, and maybe he does understand and just wants to go through the so-called normal route of getting to know someone before you make out with them. But I still feel like an awful person. I'm afraid of hurting him, no matter what I do. I can't hurt people. I don't work like that. I can't hurt someone unless they've hurt me or someone I love.

I walked into lunch today and I saw him with most of his food gone at a table. We said hi and I went to the lunch lines, trying to take as long as I could so he would be gone by the time I got there. But no, he was still sitting there, and my friends weren't in the room yet, and so I had no choice but to go sit down with him. I like him fine, it's just... I'm nervous, and the more interactions I have with him without making sure AGAIN that he's not in this for emotional connection, the worse I feel.

God damn it. I never understood what it was like to be pursued, until now. And most especially I never understood what it was like to be pursued and not be interested in what they're interested in.

I-- goddamn it.

Comments

[singingdalton.livejournal.com]

If you have made it abundantly clear to him that you are not 1) looking for a serious relationship and 2) Not going to give up Adam for Steve, then any and all problems he might have later are entirely his to worry about. Think about it. Let's say someone... We'll use Brody, since he's going to be injured later, is looking at a hot stove. You can see that they want to touch the hot stove. You tell them not to. That if they do, they will get hurt. Brody, being Brody, smacks the hot stove, and gets burnt. Whose fault is that? Yours, or Brody's? 'nuff said.
~Dancing