downfall falldown downed a fall fell down

and it really sinks in...

thought i was doing well, but i think that was the shock. now the broken ends of the bone(relationship) are beginning to regain feeling, and...

i promised i wouldn't stop feeling

but if i could, i would.

i promised i wouldn't hurt myself (to so many people now i've lost count)

but if hadn't, i would.

i promised myself i wouldn't be pathetic this time

and that promise, i have broken.

(no subject)

I'm so fucking cold, I just can't get warm. I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do, I just can't initiate a conversation about what's going on right now. I'm so bad at hurting people and I'm desperate to avoid a snafu here because... well, that would just be the end of things, wouldn't it? If I had to deal with extreme awkwardness here, then... I think I'd leave the Cities and go somewhere else, somewhere far away where I didn't know anyone and I could hide in the woods or the mountains or the desert or something.

Oh, escapism, you're my best friend.

But you know, there's nowhere to hide on a college campus. There's nowhere I can really go to be completely unaccessible that's warm and cozy. No, I take that back. There is, but it's not my room. I want my room to be nice and alone. And I'm tired of always DEALING WITH THINGS!!! I want the days to be SIMPLE right now! I just want things to be quiet for a FEW MORE DAYS. Can't anyone give me simplicity? Is it that fucking difficult? I'm so tired of thinking about how I should interact and what I should say to S. and what I should say or not say to A. and what I should and should not do and everyone's having a bad weekend and GOD DAMN IT!

I won't get drunk, because that's not a good way to deal with stuff and I don't believe in getting drunk, but god damn, I just want to stop thinking.

Someone get me out of this hell-hole mind.