![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Spiral (LONG LONG ENTRY)
Oct. 11th, 2003 02:25 pmI thought it was time for another real entry again. It's been a while, I think.
The past week has been very difficult for me. I think it all began last Friday, with so much emotion and anticipation placed on going home. I got on the bus to the airport, and since the bus pulled away, it feels like I haven't stopped moving until today. The bus-ride was uneventful... at one point, a woman asked me where I was from and I told her Atlanta, and she said I didn't sound like I was from there. A very typical comment up here. But I said that yeah, Atlanta was about as north as you could get in the south. She didn't understand what I meant, and so I explained how little effect the geography of Atlanta has on its culture. She smiled at me and stopped really listening, then told me to have fun going home as she got off the bus.
I found the right stop (I get inexplicably paranoid that I'm going to miss my stop on the bus, even when I know which one it is) and got off the bus by myself as the only person going to the airport. It was all by myself... but at the same time, I found people along the whole route. The next stranger was a sort of creepy but very nice man from Taiwan who had come home for his brother's wedding. He was a white guy who traveled a lot for business. We talked a lot about traveling the world, and he was impressed with the countries I'd been to. I told him about taking Japanese, and we talked about that, and of course it came out that my interest started with anime. I hate that association these days... it makes people think that I'm just taking it for the anime, but at this point I'm much more fascinated by the language and the culture and the differences between here and there. I sensed that he wanted to keep talking to me, but I was looking forward to my utterly un-redeeming novel, and I didn't want to encourage a sharing of contact info, which always happens to me if I spend a long time talking to a stranger. I could have a thousand friends in so many places, if only I remembered to write back.
The flight was uneventful, only marked by my growing impatience to be home again. It was so good to see my parents; I pretend that I don't miss them, but I do. When removed from them, I like them a lot. I surprised them from behind, because my plane was so early that they weren't waiting for me QUITE yet. So I went to get change, and turned around, and saw them walking past. So I slipped up behind my mom and said, "Hi mom!" She was so happy to see me... we snuck up behind my dad and surprised him too, and... I really like surprising them. I called Adam from the airport, and then we drove home. I warned my parents that they wouldn't see much of me that night, and they sighingly said that that was okay. We drove up to my house and Adam was lying on the roof of his car, waiting for me. I knocked him off his balance, hugging him, and then said a proper good bye to my parents for the moment. We spent the rest of the evening catching up and sharing each other, interrupted only by his taking his car home, and me driving him back to my house. I finally took him home at two in the morning, and then went to bed myself.
The next morning I got up at 6:30, and at 7:00 my family left for Asheville, NC, for the wedding I came home for. It was so beautiful... it made me think about my own future, and whether or not I will get married, and what it will be like, and if I'll have kids, and all that good stuff. No conclusive answers, but of course, I don't need or want them at this point. I had a glass of champaign, and that was good enough for me, even though there was a lot of wine there. It was wonderful to see Hannah (it was her sister getting married), and all the people from home that I haven't seen in ages, some of them in over a year. It was a wonderful place to be, but later in the evening I broke down into tears, just so stressed out about making enough time for everyone I wanted to see that weekend. First my mom comforted me, and then Hannah did. We talked about long distance love, and how hard that can be, and how hard it is to make the transition to college. She told me to find a good place to cry at school, because that will be very important. So far this week, I've found that to be true... and I still haven't found a good place to cry. Sometimes you just want to sob without being disturbed.
The next day we drove back, and we especially got back early so I could see Adam again... but he was doing his homework until five, and so I was annoyed at him for not having done it before. I understand that having homework hanging over your head can make a time that much less enjoyable, though, so I guess I understand... it was just frustrating to be home for such a short period of time and not get to see him how I'd planned. However, it made it so I could have time with my family and a bit more time with Hannah. Then Adam came over, and we hung out at my house while I ate dinner and then we went up to my room for a while. Then it was time to go to his house to see a mosaic he's been working on... to those of you who know, yes, it is the same mosaic from last October. He showed me the movies he's been working on, and then we went to the park to have a Conversation. It never really got off the ground in the park... we kept changing the subject, and running around playing on the play structures, and all that kind of thing. Finally we drove back to his house... where it was so hard to let go. I needed a drink of water, and so we got one, and then wandered back out into the driveway, and continued to find things to distract us from my inevitable departure. "Oh, wow, look at that spiderweb!" and then, five to ten minute conversation based on spiderwebs. Finally I turned to him and said, "So what did we decide? I'm just not sure." That's really when we talked about what we needed to, and we leaned back against my car, curled around our own stomachs and each other's limbs, pavement vaguely damp beneath us and trying to find out where we really needed to be. We reached conclusion, and I left, comfortable with what had been decided, and the knowledge that we love each other.
The next morning I got up at 6:30 to be on an 8:30 plane, and slept most of the flight, and got back only to throw my clothes out on my bed and throw my books into my backpack and run to class. This week was hard in terms of cross country... it's supposedly the hardest week for workouts we'll do. The other fact adding to my stress was my complete inability to finish my work before 2:00 in the morning. I just couldn't do it. The final addition to my stress is the fact that I literally don't get home until 7:00, most evenings, and often even later than that. And it's not like I'm just hanging out somewhere else... I'm really DOING stuff all day.
Thursday night I lay in bed, crying without sound so my roommate wouldn't wake up or hear me, unable to sleep from panic and sadness and stress. It had been a terrible, long, depressing day... and Adam had had a bad day too, so he wasn't available for bitching to. We managed to snap at each other a lot, and that just added to the bad feeling. I woke up Friday, hoping that the day would be better... but no, I was just more stressed. I didn't get enough caffeine to keep me awake, and so it was a fight all through genetics with my eyelids. I was really groggy and disoriented, and then I just had to go to class. I started losing it in math class... I just couldn't face the thought of going directly to work, and then directly to cross country practice. But I made it to work, where, thank god, my supervisor said that I could just hang out while she went to lunch. So I went to talk to my coach, and I ended up crying a lot and talking to her about how stressful everything is. She reminded me that it was okay to lean on my teammates, not be completely strong and in charge of myself all the time. That was helpful, as was her telling me that if need be, I didn't have to run the entire workout. Then she told me to go take a walk and relax, so I did just that. I ended up climbing a tree about fifty feet and sitting in the highest branches that would support my weight, and tree-surfing in the wind for twenty minutes. Then I was able to do the entire workout, and enjoy my Friday night. I had to get up early today, but when my activity was complete, I came back to my room and slept through lunch. That is finally when I felt I'd stopped moving.
So that's my life in a week. Thank you for getting this far, if you did. To sum:
I'm doing okay, I'm just stressed out by the amount of everything I have to do and keep track of and taking care of myself and a long distance relationship. But I'll be fine.
The past week has been very difficult for me. I think it all began last Friday, with so much emotion and anticipation placed on going home. I got on the bus to the airport, and since the bus pulled away, it feels like I haven't stopped moving until today. The bus-ride was uneventful... at one point, a woman asked me where I was from and I told her Atlanta, and she said I didn't sound like I was from there. A very typical comment up here. But I said that yeah, Atlanta was about as north as you could get in the south. She didn't understand what I meant, and so I explained how little effect the geography of Atlanta has on its culture. She smiled at me and stopped really listening, then told me to have fun going home as she got off the bus.
I found the right stop (I get inexplicably paranoid that I'm going to miss my stop on the bus, even when I know which one it is) and got off the bus by myself as the only person going to the airport. It was all by myself... but at the same time, I found people along the whole route. The next stranger was a sort of creepy but very nice man from Taiwan who had come home for his brother's wedding. He was a white guy who traveled a lot for business. We talked a lot about traveling the world, and he was impressed with the countries I'd been to. I told him about taking Japanese, and we talked about that, and of course it came out that my interest started with anime. I hate that association these days... it makes people think that I'm just taking it for the anime, but at this point I'm much more fascinated by the language and the culture and the differences between here and there. I sensed that he wanted to keep talking to me, but I was looking forward to my utterly un-redeeming novel, and I didn't want to encourage a sharing of contact info, which always happens to me if I spend a long time talking to a stranger. I could have a thousand friends in so many places, if only I remembered to write back.
The flight was uneventful, only marked by my growing impatience to be home again. It was so good to see my parents; I pretend that I don't miss them, but I do. When removed from them, I like them a lot. I surprised them from behind, because my plane was so early that they weren't waiting for me QUITE yet. So I went to get change, and turned around, and saw them walking past. So I slipped up behind my mom and said, "Hi mom!" She was so happy to see me... we snuck up behind my dad and surprised him too, and... I really like surprising them. I called Adam from the airport, and then we drove home. I warned my parents that they wouldn't see much of me that night, and they sighingly said that that was okay. We drove up to my house and Adam was lying on the roof of his car, waiting for me. I knocked him off his balance, hugging him, and then said a proper good bye to my parents for the moment. We spent the rest of the evening catching up and sharing each other, interrupted only by his taking his car home, and me driving him back to my house. I finally took him home at two in the morning, and then went to bed myself.
The next morning I got up at 6:30, and at 7:00 my family left for Asheville, NC, for the wedding I came home for. It was so beautiful... it made me think about my own future, and whether or not I will get married, and what it will be like, and if I'll have kids, and all that good stuff. No conclusive answers, but of course, I don't need or want them at this point. I had a glass of champaign, and that was good enough for me, even though there was a lot of wine there. It was wonderful to see Hannah (it was her sister getting married), and all the people from home that I haven't seen in ages, some of them in over a year. It was a wonderful place to be, but later in the evening I broke down into tears, just so stressed out about making enough time for everyone I wanted to see that weekend. First my mom comforted me, and then Hannah did. We talked about long distance love, and how hard that can be, and how hard it is to make the transition to college. She told me to find a good place to cry at school, because that will be very important. So far this week, I've found that to be true... and I still haven't found a good place to cry. Sometimes you just want to sob without being disturbed.
The next day we drove back, and we especially got back early so I could see Adam again... but he was doing his homework until five, and so I was annoyed at him for not having done it before. I understand that having homework hanging over your head can make a time that much less enjoyable, though, so I guess I understand... it was just frustrating to be home for such a short period of time and not get to see him how I'd planned. However, it made it so I could have time with my family and a bit more time with Hannah. Then Adam came over, and we hung out at my house while I ate dinner and then we went up to my room for a while. Then it was time to go to his house to see a mosaic he's been working on... to those of you who know, yes, it is the same mosaic from last October. He showed me the movies he's been working on, and then we went to the park to have a Conversation. It never really got off the ground in the park... we kept changing the subject, and running around playing on the play structures, and all that kind of thing. Finally we drove back to his house... where it was so hard to let go. I needed a drink of water, and so we got one, and then wandered back out into the driveway, and continued to find things to distract us from my inevitable departure. "Oh, wow, look at that spiderweb!" and then, five to ten minute conversation based on spiderwebs. Finally I turned to him and said, "So what did we decide? I'm just not sure." That's really when we talked about what we needed to, and we leaned back against my car, curled around our own stomachs and each other's limbs, pavement vaguely damp beneath us and trying to find out where we really needed to be. We reached conclusion, and I left, comfortable with what had been decided, and the knowledge that we love each other.
The next morning I got up at 6:30 to be on an 8:30 plane, and slept most of the flight, and got back only to throw my clothes out on my bed and throw my books into my backpack and run to class. This week was hard in terms of cross country... it's supposedly the hardest week for workouts we'll do. The other fact adding to my stress was my complete inability to finish my work before 2:00 in the morning. I just couldn't do it. The final addition to my stress is the fact that I literally don't get home until 7:00, most evenings, and often even later than that. And it's not like I'm just hanging out somewhere else... I'm really DOING stuff all day.
Thursday night I lay in bed, crying without sound so my roommate wouldn't wake up or hear me, unable to sleep from panic and sadness and stress. It had been a terrible, long, depressing day... and Adam had had a bad day too, so he wasn't available for bitching to. We managed to snap at each other a lot, and that just added to the bad feeling. I woke up Friday, hoping that the day would be better... but no, I was just more stressed. I didn't get enough caffeine to keep me awake, and so it was a fight all through genetics with my eyelids. I was really groggy and disoriented, and then I just had to go to class. I started losing it in math class... I just couldn't face the thought of going directly to work, and then directly to cross country practice. But I made it to work, where, thank god, my supervisor said that I could just hang out while she went to lunch. So I went to talk to my coach, and I ended up crying a lot and talking to her about how stressful everything is. She reminded me that it was okay to lean on my teammates, not be completely strong and in charge of myself all the time. That was helpful, as was her telling me that if need be, I didn't have to run the entire workout. Then she told me to go take a walk and relax, so I did just that. I ended up climbing a tree about fifty feet and sitting in the highest branches that would support my weight, and tree-surfing in the wind for twenty minutes. Then I was able to do the entire workout, and enjoy my Friday night. I had to get up early today, but when my activity was complete, I came back to my room and slept through lunch. That is finally when I felt I'd stopped moving.
So that's my life in a week. Thank you for getting this far, if you did. To sum:
I'm doing okay, I'm just stressed out by the amount of everything I have to do and keep track of and taking care of myself and a long distance relationship. But I'll be fine.
