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Two moments tonight. I went to see Chicago with Adam S, and we got out of the movie at 12:06. The only exit left open wasn't the one we'd entered, and so we got out and went the wrong way around the mall by accident. Thus, our two-minute walk was turned into a 15-minute one. But we didn't mind, and it was beautiful and starred and intermittently windy.
The first moment. Adam heard a sound, and thought it was a bottle rolling across the parking lot. I pointed out that it was a rope snapping against a flagpole. He expressed disappointment, and I laughed and told him that things didn't just roll across parking lots.
There was this abandoned shopping cart about thirty feet from us, and it was the only thing in the expanse of eerily-lit parking lot. They are very disconcerting when sitting alone in the dark, those shopping carts.
Anyway, as I said that things didn't just roll across parking lots, the shopping cart started rolling, slowly, aimlessly. I suppose it was caught in the wind. But it was beautiful and creepy, all the same.
The second moment. A few minutes after the shopping cart, I thought I heard birds singing. I hushed Adam, and we stopped to listen. Just as I hushed him, the wind started blowing forcefully again, and about ten plastic bags flew up from a dumpster. They got higher and higher, as if they were caught in a column of air going straight up. As they flew, the birds started singing again. This was at 12:15 at night.
Simultaneousness. What is it, exactly? The world moving together by random occurrence, or something more? Just vectors intersecting, or the breath of some kind of greater? I don't know. I've always had trouble believing in things I can't observe, but here I am, observing things and wishing so much that I could believe in something. I'm a skeptic. It is hard for me to accept things mystically. I see beauty, and I treasure each moment with beauty. But even as I am desperate for meaning, I laugh at myself. I think this is why my Wiccan period failed so miserably. I would make up little ceremonies and perform them, and then sit there tearing apart any small amount of magic I found from that. I want so badly to believe in something.
That's where the disillusionment is coming from, Nin'niku. You want me to find the magic, and I was essentially saying I have trouble believing in it when I do find it. And that's a terrible way to be.
But it wasn't always like this, was it? I was the most imaginative child I knew, excluding Hannah. I made up worlds and saw magic everywhere. The world WAS magic. And slowly, ever so slowly, I let jade fill my vision, and lost my ability to be lost. Wicca, perhaps, was an attempt to recapture my childhood. But I saw magic with you, in you, between us. Being in love is like that, I suppose. It makes everything magic again. That's intoxicating, amazing, wondrous.
I still look at you and think you're beautiful. But as I said... I realized I haven't found beauty in the world in about a month. And that's about how long this trouble has gone on. And... and maybe tonight's magic was a message from God, or the greater, or the world, to pay attention again. Those two things grabbed my attention... they were so drastic, so much beauty packed into two little scenes. Like a scream from... something... to be aware of my world. A final desperate scream to appreciate things again.
The first moment. Adam heard a sound, and thought it was a bottle rolling across the parking lot. I pointed out that it was a rope snapping against a flagpole. He expressed disappointment, and I laughed and told him that things didn't just roll across parking lots.
There was this abandoned shopping cart about thirty feet from us, and it was the only thing in the expanse of eerily-lit parking lot. They are very disconcerting when sitting alone in the dark, those shopping carts.
Anyway, as I said that things didn't just roll across parking lots, the shopping cart started rolling, slowly, aimlessly. I suppose it was caught in the wind. But it was beautiful and creepy, all the same.
The second moment. A few minutes after the shopping cart, I thought I heard birds singing. I hushed Adam, and we stopped to listen. Just as I hushed him, the wind started blowing forcefully again, and about ten plastic bags flew up from a dumpster. They got higher and higher, as if they were caught in a column of air going straight up. As they flew, the birds started singing again. This was at 12:15 at night.
Simultaneousness. What is it, exactly? The world moving together by random occurrence, or something more? Just vectors intersecting, or the breath of some kind of greater? I don't know. I've always had trouble believing in things I can't observe, but here I am, observing things and wishing so much that I could believe in something. I'm a skeptic. It is hard for me to accept things mystically. I see beauty, and I treasure each moment with beauty. But even as I am desperate for meaning, I laugh at myself. I think this is why my Wiccan period failed so miserably. I would make up little ceremonies and perform them, and then sit there tearing apart any small amount of magic I found from that. I want so badly to believe in something.
That's where the disillusionment is coming from, Nin'niku. You want me to find the magic, and I was essentially saying I have trouble believing in it when I do find it. And that's a terrible way to be.
But it wasn't always like this, was it? I was the most imaginative child I knew, excluding Hannah. I made up worlds and saw magic everywhere. The world WAS magic. And slowly, ever so slowly, I let jade fill my vision, and lost my ability to be lost. Wicca, perhaps, was an attempt to recapture my childhood. But I saw magic with you, in you, between us. Being in love is like that, I suppose. It makes everything magic again. That's intoxicating, amazing, wondrous.
I still look at you and think you're beautiful. But as I said... I realized I haven't found beauty in the world in about a month. And that's about how long this trouble has gone on. And... and maybe tonight's magic was a message from God, or the greater, or the world, to pay attention again. Those two things grabbed my attention... they were so drastic, so much beauty packed into two little scenes. Like a scream from... something... to be aware of my world. A final desperate scream to appreciate things again.
