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spinning...
Feb. 19th, 2003 12:09 amAh, such emotions I contain. Sunday, bloody Sunday... the sky was red like cloudblood, the light oppressive, and I waited for the inevitable. Which was, apparently, evitable, since it didn't happen. And my heart bled again, barely, and I burned the evidence until I left a different kind of stain, no longer white porcelain but brown and forever marred. Stupid. Now I'll have to pay for it.
And then I was calm. Not after lying there, trying to tear the emotions from where they seemed to rest, in my stomach, out with my fingers missing nails... but after watching the sky turn pink, and red, and grey, like being inside someone's mind. And the rain came down, down, down, misty like the tears that never fall. And talking, of course, always talking, rarely fails to bring comfort. Word whore that I am.
I am still calm. How do I fall down like that? I just... sink. And it's so hard to retrieve my mind, when it goes into those depths. Somehow I manage to break free, and then everything is fine.
Now I feel like I'm being warned. Do this, or else. Well... I'll do what I can. But I'm not promising anything. I hate threats. I hate when things pivot on MY actions. Me. I'm not worth that; none of you are worth that. Things shouldn't pivot on one person. Things should pivot on interactions, on everyone. Expecting one person to change everything is bullshit.
It's no one's fault. It's everyone's fault. It is not my fault; it is not your fault; it is not his fault; it is not her fault; it is not zir fault. It simply is. And we will all find the way to work around through over past beside it, or we won't. But it's not my job alone.
Suddenly I feel so against everything. Maybe now is not a good time to talk to me. Maybe everyone should stop expecting anything. It isn't my job to keep you all entertained. It is my job to be me, and it is your job to be you, and it is his job to be him, and it is her job to be her, and it is zir job to be zi. I am going to be myself. Love me or not. What do I care, I'm not living here anymore in six months. That's eternity. That's a few seconds.
Stop demanding.
Just stop.
And then I was calm. Not after lying there, trying to tear the emotions from where they seemed to rest, in my stomach, out with my fingers missing nails... but after watching the sky turn pink, and red, and grey, like being inside someone's mind. And the rain came down, down, down, misty like the tears that never fall. And talking, of course, always talking, rarely fails to bring comfort. Word whore that I am.
I am still calm. How do I fall down like that? I just... sink. And it's so hard to retrieve my mind, when it goes into those depths. Somehow I manage to break free, and then everything is fine.
Now I feel like I'm being warned. Do this, or else. Well... I'll do what I can. But I'm not promising anything. I hate threats. I hate when things pivot on MY actions. Me. I'm not worth that; none of you are worth that. Things shouldn't pivot on one person. Things should pivot on interactions, on everyone. Expecting one person to change everything is bullshit.
It's no one's fault. It's everyone's fault. It is not my fault; it is not your fault; it is not his fault; it is not her fault; it is not zir fault. It simply is. And we will all find the way to work around through over past beside it, or we won't. But it's not my job alone.
Suddenly I feel so against everything. Maybe now is not a good time to talk to me. Maybe everyone should stop expecting anything. It isn't my job to keep you all entertained. It is my job to be me, and it is your job to be you, and it is his job to be him, and it is her job to be her, and it is zir job to be zi. I am going to be myself. Love me or not. What do I care, I'm not living here anymore in six months. That's eternity. That's a few seconds.
Stop demanding.
Just stop.
