![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
It must be a combination of not sleeping enough and the grey weather outside: rain, but it's cheated snow, the sort of rain that you know would be beautiful flurries if only it were five degrees colder and it could freeze and not be this miserable drizzle that soaks everything including your heart and your mind and it seeps down into your joints and bones and every crevice of your brain until it permeates your thoughts and nothing will ever be hopeful again, just the unending future spiraling in front of you and you can't breathe anymore because this rain has filled your lungs too and you cough almost gently, hear the echo of your voice in your head because no one's really listening anyway.
Oct. 28th, 2003
If you want to ignore that last entry, you can.
I skipped my first class today. I woke up at 8:00 and realized that there was simply no way in hell I was going to go another day where I was so tired I could barely function. I think it's contributing to whatever depressiony feelings I've been having. So I slept until 11:30 and feel much better for it.
But I just can't shake this. I keep justifying it, saying it's not enough sleep, it's the weather, it's the emotional difficulty in changing gears again, back into college life. But is it? I keep falling, morbidly, back into things that were said this weekend. I almost want to say that she did the exact same thing to me as she claims he did to her... the thoughts were bothering her, it was too much baggage, and so she dumped it on me. But it wasn't her place to tell me what she did... it doesn't say much for her trustworthiness, now does it? I hate the hypocrisy. I hate this feeling, that she caused me to question anything at all. If I hadn't seen her then I wouldn't be upset, because I wouldn't know. And I keep justifying what I do know, saying it's the same thing I do when I'm having a bad day, the ominous wondering.
But it's not fair. If he didn't tell me, then there's a reason. And she shouldn't have said anything.
Goddamn it. I try so hard not to get involved in these things and it always ends up happening anyway.
Sorry for the vagueness of this, but it has to be, lest I, too, become a hypocrite.
I skipped my first class today. I woke up at 8:00 and realized that there was simply no way in hell I was going to go another day where I was so tired I could barely function. I think it's contributing to whatever depressiony feelings I've been having. So I slept until 11:30 and feel much better for it.
But I just can't shake this. I keep justifying it, saying it's not enough sleep, it's the weather, it's the emotional difficulty in changing gears again, back into college life. But is it? I keep falling, morbidly, back into things that were said this weekend. I almost want to say that she did the exact same thing to me as she claims he did to her... the thoughts were bothering her, it was too much baggage, and so she dumped it on me. But it wasn't her place to tell me what she did... it doesn't say much for her trustworthiness, now does it? I hate the hypocrisy. I hate this feeling, that she caused me to question anything at all. If I hadn't seen her then I wouldn't be upset, because I wouldn't know. And I keep justifying what I do know, saying it's the same thing I do when I'm having a bad day, the ominous wondering.
But it's not fair. If he didn't tell me, then there's a reason. And she shouldn't have said anything.
Goddamn it. I try so hard not to get involved in these things and it always ends up happening anyway.
Sorry for the vagueness of this, but it has to be, lest I, too, become a hypocrite.